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Quick, Step, Step

3 Apr

Mr. C. Pinchy by DTR.

Getting back into the groove of things here at home.  Odd to know that my season has changed.  Glad to know that cooking and food has fully re-entered my life.  I am in a big list mood, it seems that is all i do is make lists.  So here is another one to add to my posts.  The food list of 2012.

Food/Summer Goals I Want to Reach

  1. Write the class outline
  2. Take a photography class
  3. Plant my garden
  4. Bake 6 new cookies
  5. Bagatelle time
  6. Outline 2 other singles
  7. Write a short story
  8. Take a foraging class
  9. Eat more local meat
  10. Join a CSA
  11. Eat a lot more veggies
  12. Have a seafood party
  13. Have a party at the house
  14. Go to the cleve
  15. Be happy everyday

Catching Up Big Time

27 Mar

It is the end of another wonderful curling season.  I have achieved so much and am somewhat overwhelmed by what I choose to do with my life.  Traveling to multiple states to play, trying to reach a goal that I thought was far away; but actually is closer than I thought.  So what now?  Here is a tiny list of what is to come from me in the coming weeks and months.

  1. I need to get back on track with my jobs.  I love them both dearly and I need to thank them both for permitting me to be me.
  2. Write, write, write. (I have El Bulli, the Office, and Nellcote in the hopper)
  3. Head back to the gym to get more mass built up, but to maintain my flexibility and ROM.
  4. Buy a camera and take photos
  5. Start making small videos
  6. Clean the house
  7. Build a garden outside
  8. Europe calling?
  9. Organize next season
  10. Try to keep my head in line
Everyday I try to be who I am.  I have no idea if I am doing it right or wrong.  I just am.  To live in the moment and to try to be happy.  That is what I want.  There are days I recall many moments and others when I cherish one second.  Each day I try to chase the rabbit and hope to catch it.  Yes, I love Louis Carroll.  Is my reality my fantasy or my fantasy my reality. Ha!  What a day.  Now I plan for the next.
“If I had a world of my own, everything would be nonsense.  Nothing would be what it is, because everything would be what it isn’t.  And contrary wise, what is, it wouldn’t be. And what it wouldn’t be, it would. You see?”– Louis Carroll

Our achievements of today are but the sum total of our thoughts of yesterday. You are today where the thoughts of yesterday have brought you and you will be tomorrow where the thoughts of today take you.”– Blaise Pasca


14 Mar

Finally I have found some mentors in my adult life.  They happened to be The Judge, two coaches, and a writer.  Each one has made my life better and has added meaning to what I do and what I want to achieve.  These individuals have given my life structure, provided new ways of thinking, and new ways I can lead my life.  They allow me to make some sense of me; of all the craziness that lives between my ears.  Plus, they have enjoyed spending time with me.

These people have made me feel comfortable in my skin. They game me the strength to keep at who I was and was becoming.  The process of learning is not easy.  There are a lot of bumps on that road.  I will let you know I have suffered my fair share of bumps and turbulence.  My commitment to achieving my goals is strong.  I grin and bear through ridicule and judgement from others; misunderstanding, misinterpretation, pain, sweat, mental anguish, and  anything else you can think of.  Hey, I am still here.  I am still trying to be the best person I can be.

My mentors in my life can be counted on one hand.  They are so very important to me.  I can hear their voices in my head, I can see what they are writing down on sheets of paper for me.  I can feel their eyes piercing through me to get the best out of me.  They know there is more in me trying to get out.  Each of these folks made a connection to me.  They made me feel empowered.  I can be who I am and achieve whatever I want.

One mentor is responsible for allowing me to be me.  Teaching me to free write, to let my emotions come out, find this odd voice that is mine, question reality, question creativity, and know that I am being genuine.  He saw the writer in me, the creativity that lived in my head, and that I was an athlete.  A deadly combo of brains and brawn; something that many girls in my catholic school did not have. He knew that I was aware of my difference among my classmates and he permitted me to embrace it; even through my mini goth/death phase.

Coach.  Yes, coach.  Pushing me to be the best, knowing that I can come back and say I can do it better, I can get faster, stronger, and smarter.  The coaches knowing that I can close my eyes and know how my body moves through space.  I can see part of me moving properly and improperly.  Give me the feedback and I can do it.  Give me the opportunity and I can achieve it.  I am the player who can spend countless hours practicing one skill.  Why?  Because I have the patience and the drive to do so.  Coaches who have been able to see this have been amazed to see what I can do.  What am able to do is see my overall process, I may not be great at it now, but give me 1 month, 6 months, or 1 year.  Hell I will get there, just be patient.  My coaches permit me to be a scholar of the sport; on and off the ice/court.  I have a desire to know.  I may not need it now, but it will come back later.  I have the commitment to sport, the patience, and the respect to allow those who are more knowledgable to shape me to becoming a better player.

Sport has been the one aspect of my life that I have felt the most comfortable with.  I have always excelled playing sports or learning new ones.  I constantly default to my body and its ability to work in space, lift heavy things, or to climb obstacles.  The physicality of sport has allowed me to calm down, sweat it out, and relax.  I move too fast in my mind and the movement of sport permits my body and mind to slow down.  To find calm in moments of my life.

This all leads me back to the person who now influences many parts of my mind.  The writer.  The writer energizes me to pursue a dream of reading, researching, testing, and writing.  Tells me when things are going well or poorly.  Honest and very real.  No sugar.  It just is what it is.  I take responsibility for both negative and positive results.  Here I see the voice emerge from the writer; I want to dive into myself and see how I can pull that strength out of me.  Or just find out if it is in me.  I see the voice in him, the power of it, and what it is able to do.  I am left speechless.

The writer sees that I can play a sport, but challenges me to find my voice.  This is so novel to me.  Funny, novel.. anyways.  I am beginning to feel the power of what I feel through my fingers again.  I am trying ever so slightly to channel the words I am thinking in my head to the keyboard.  Be emotive, be informative, share a story that connects.  In all of this, I can see how writing can lead me to finding myself.  Maybe it is a bunch of mumbo jumbo, but I really don’t care.  The future of me is coming around and well I am really excited to see her.  So, thank you.

In the midst of all of these words from my collection of thoughts, I believe I can say that these people have left major imprints on me.   I want them to know that I think of them everyday.  That their words and actions have made me remember these thoughts.

  • Judge: be who you are, remember the classics, keep writing, and be the athlete you are: Johnny Unitis.
  • Coaches: mold and shape me, make me a better player each time i step out on the ice/court, I wait for every morsel you will share with me.
  • Writer: you are smart, talented, kind, and adored.  You are on course for what you want to go.
Now it is time for me to focus on me to become who I want to be and become.  Am I afraid?  At times.  Will I fail?  Sure I will, but I will pick myself up and try again.  The one thing that each of my mentors have taught me is that I am different and it is ok for me to be who I am.  The scary part is that I am finally starting to accept that being different is my biggest strength.

A great quote from the most talented writer Jack Kerouac

“Here’s to the crazy ones; the misfits; the rebels; the trouble-makers; the round pegs in the square holes; the ones who see things differently. They’re not fond of rules, and they have no respect for the status-quo. You can quote them, disagree with them, glorify, or vilify them. But the only thing you can’t do is ignore them. Because they change things. They push the human race forward. And while some may see them as the crazy ones, we see genius, because the people who are crazy enough to think they can change the world, are the ones who do.”

J’ai Perdu…Perdu

9 Feb

Wondering if the real me is actually here

Rambling around; doing what I am doing

Experiencing what I am experiencing

Thinking if this is it

Is my life just this?

A collection of moments bound by a mind, body and soul

Ponder that and then consider the alternative

Maybe one’s existence is organized by ones mind

Random assembly of creative notions that form the day


There are times where I am so full of energy and color

Others when gray and pain envelope me

What choice does one have?

Continue or end

Which is better?

There is no right answer

Play and go on; no other.


I see Alice and I see part of me in her

We mirror.

How odd…

Who will escape?

Who is really real?

Words on a page or my existence

One will live forever

It is clearly seen in black and white

There is no red

Yet, I will still chase, question, yearn , and fall

Only to see that I could be on that page

That I have been created and molded to be the way of the writer or the artist

Never unique or individual, but a figment pieced together in someone’s head.


When the book is done

When my day is over

It will all come to a close

The end is always near no matter how long it is to the finish

Ask then who recalls the life of her.



Thanks for permitting me to let that beast out.  Kinda rusty.  It needs some oil.  Later…



5 Dec

So what do I do?  What should I do? Am I on track to where I want to be?

In many ways I think I am on track.  I have a plan.  I really do.  Looking at me from another direction I can see that I may not be on the path that I should be on.

Is my map upside down?

“Every pure and wise spirit that ever took flesh, and therefore it is great to be misunderstood,” said Ralph Waldo Emerson.

There are days I am a chef, others where I am a writer, some I crush apples and make cider, I keep dreaming to be the athlete I am, and others I am hopelessly lost.  I want to get lost in my mind again.  Be muddled in the word and ideas that live in my mind.  Trying to live in the moment.  The moment is so exciting and scary at the same time.  I cannot escape the black and white of how I have developed my mind, but shades of grey are sneaking in the corners.  I was told by a friend I worry too much about what others think and that I allow drama to enter my life.  This could be true.  I see what my friend said.

Where will I go from here?  Take more calculated risks.  Smile more.  Try to be the person who i want to be.  I am full of life, of energy, and of love.  I strive to be me, whoever that is.  I do find out new things about myself everyday.  Although I know my tendencies, my weakness, and my strengths.  I can still see that naive girl in the mirror yearning to follow the white rabbit into the rabbit hole.  My life should be an adventure and I do want to leave a legacy.  Will I end up like a Plath or a Bronte sister?

I am a different kind of women.  Yes, I am a little bit of sugar and a little bit of spice.  As I am very rough and tumble with moments of grace thrown in there.  I am who I am.  Totally awkward, shy, too chatty at time, and yes overly physical.  Please don’t talk to me works for me.  I am a porcupine, but if you attempt to find out who I am; you can soon find out that I am the most loyal friend you can ever have.  Inside my cold, abrupt, edgy, mute exterior is a sweet, fun, and caring girl who will help one out at anytime.  If you cross me, beware.  My heart will break and you will lose my friendship, even if I am a fool in the first place to trust you.


Here is a list of some of the things I want to accomplish or do:

  1. Retake photography class
  2. Make my own movies again
  3. Get lost in Italy
  4. Taking dancing class (ballroom, tap, and modern)
  5. Return to Japan
  6. Write a cookbook
  7. Get a smoker
  8. Eat a sacher torte in Vienna
  9. Go on a canoe trip
  10. Make it to Worlds
  11. Be happy

Where Have I Been?

16 Nov

Sorry for the long delay in writing.  A lot of crazy things have occurred.  I mean A LOT!

I think I have mentioned that I got a new job some time back working with cider folks, then my job with Ruhlman, and my personal life.  The cider project is very interesting and dominates the majority of my day.  It can be anything from research, preparing platters of food, pressing apples, etc.  Ruhlman is pretty awesome, he has a new book and he came to the city to promote it.  I got to spend time with him and I want to spend more time working with him.  Personal life is going well and the curling has just started up.  So, I’m in a frenzy of driving, playing, working, eating, and sleeping.  You get used to the schedule.  I enjoy it.

There is so much I want to write about; food wise, dining out, life wise, and such.  But, I really need to buckle down and doo it.  I need to make the commitment to writing again.  I miss it.  I miss it a lot.  I miss the way the words flow through my mind to my fingers.  How ideas are woven together.  How a sentence can have  rhythm.  I miss my voice.  I miss my thoughts, the way i think, the puzzle peices in my head.

By far the biggest thing that happend in my time away was the passing of my babcia.  That will be my next big post.  I need to finish the story.  It is nearly there.  She is gone and I miss her more then she will ever know.

For now I leave you with a few quotes that I am loving at the moment.

“Good, better, best. Never let it rest. Until your good is better and your better is best.” Tim Duncan

“I learned never to empty the well of my writing, but always to stop when there was still something there in the deep part of the well, and let it refill at night from the springs that fed it.”  Ernest Hemingway

“If I had a world of my own, everything would be nonsense. Nothing would be what it is, because everything would be what it isn’t. And contrary wise, what is, it wouldn’t be. And what it wouldn’t be, it would. You see? –The Mad Hatter
Louis Carroll

Identity Defined

21 Sep

“If you wake up at a different time, in a different place, could you wake up as a different person?”

–Chuck Palahniuk

In a time of having virtually anything, wanting everything, how can anyone be who they really are?  Each day seems to be a battle of trying to discover who one really is in the midst of the modern life we life in today.  I think I have always desired simplicity. In fact I have always wanted simplicity, but complexity seems to take over.  The best I can do is live for the moment, no matter what it maybe; a taste of a new apple, watching a hawk fly beside me in the car, or feeling a warm piece of bread in my hand.  They are snippets of sections of me.

Somehow I feel like I am at the crossroads of life again.  Reflecting on why I am the way I am.  I return to my middle school years and know why I am the way I am.  Categorized, boxed, compartmentalized, defined, and pigeonholed.  Yes, I feel trapped again.  Why not see me for who I am and what I can bring?  Why fear a free spirit and one who just is.  Please let me be.  I am stuck in samsara.  I may never get out.  Trapped by others definitions and by my own constant questioning.  All I can see if that I am going to take the same path, fall into the same trap, into my own depression.  Is it me or is it them?

Moving ahead I try to think that this time it is different.  My mind is muddled knowing that it is quite possible it is not.  Am I naive?  Am I just plain dumb?  Maybe just numb to all those around me.  I’m tired of others, I’m sick of definitions, and I am finished with haters.  Taking the first step to knowing what I want to be is the logical answer; but I feel like my map is out of date or I could just be blind.  What I think I am and who I know myself to be is something I am not quite sure of.  It is all of a bit of a puzzle, yet I have all the pieces and I do know how they all fit together.  I will get there.  When?  Soon.  How?  With a plan.  With who?  With me silly, with me.

I will then rediscover who I am and as quickly as I do; I will forget.  How ironic and how very me.  So aware and unaware at the same time.  A living dichotomy.  It is exciting and problematic at the same time.  Yet, I believe to get who I am.  That I am sour, bitter, an acquired taste to many, but I do have moments of popular normality. I am my own worst enemy more than anything else.  Then there are are times when I see the brilliance within me.  I wish I could be more balanced; if I was I would not be me.  I realize that it is time for me to be me and for those to try to accept it or I will move on like I always do.

“You are dangerous, cause you are honest.  You are dangerous, because you don’t know what you want.  You’re an accident waiting to happen.”