Hmmmm

5 Dec

So what do I do?  What should I do? Am I on track to where I want to be?

In many ways I think I am on track.  I have a plan.  I really do.  Looking at me from another direction I can see that I may not be on the path that I should be on.

Is my map upside down?

“Every pure and wise spirit that ever took flesh, and therefore it is great to be misunderstood,” said Ralph Waldo Emerson.

There are days I am a chef, others where I am a writer, some I crush apples and make cider, I keep dreaming to be the athlete I am, and others I am hopelessly lost.  I want to get lost in my mind again.  Be muddled in the word and ideas that live in my mind.  Trying to live in the moment.  The moment is so exciting and scary at the same time.  I cannot escape the black and white of how I have developed my mind, but shades of grey are sneaking in the corners.  I was told by a friend I worry too much about what others think and that I allow drama to enter my life.  This could be true.  I see what my friend said.

Where will I go from here?  Take more calculated risks.  Smile more.  Try to be the person who i want to be.  I am full of life, of energy, and of love.  I strive to be me, whoever that is.  I do find out new things about myself everyday.  Although I know my tendencies, my weakness, and my strengths.  I can still see that naive girl in the mirror yearning to follow the white rabbit into the rabbit hole.  My life should be an adventure and I do want to leave a legacy.  Will I end up like a Plath or a Bronte sister?

I am a different kind of women.  Yes, I am a little bit of sugar and a little bit of spice.  As I am very rough and tumble with moments of grace thrown in there.  I am who I am.  Totally awkward, shy, too chatty at time, and yes overly physical.  Please don’t talk to me works for me.  I am a porcupine, but if you attempt to find out who I am; you can soon find out that I am the most loyal friend you can ever have.  Inside my cold, abrupt, edgy, mute exterior is a sweet, fun, and caring girl who will help one out at anytime.  If you cross me, beware.  My heart will break and you will lose my friendship, even if I am a fool in the first place to trust you.

 

Here is a list of some of the things I want to accomplish or do:

  1. Retake photography class
  2. Make my own movies again
  3. Get lost in Italy
  4. Taking dancing class (ballroom, tap, and modern)
  5. Return to Japan
  6. Write a cookbook
  7. Get a smoker
  8. Eat a sacher torte in Vienna
  9. Go on a canoe trip
  10. Make it to Worlds
  11. Be happy
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