Identity Defined

21 Sep

“If you wake up at a different time, in a different place, could you wake up as a different person?”

–Chuck Palahniuk

In a time of having virtually anything, wanting everything, how can anyone be who they really are?  Each day seems to be a battle of trying to discover who one really is in the midst of the modern life we life in today.  I think I have always desired simplicity. In fact I have always wanted simplicity, but complexity seems to take over.  The best I can do is live for the moment, no matter what it maybe; a taste of a new apple, watching a hawk fly beside me in the car, or feeling a warm piece of bread in my hand.  They are snippets of sections of me.

Somehow I feel like I am at the crossroads of life again.  Reflecting on why I am the way I am.  I return to my middle school years and know why I am the way I am.  Categorized, boxed, compartmentalized, defined, and pigeonholed.  Yes, I feel trapped again.  Why not see me for who I am and what I can bring?  Why fear a free spirit and one who just is.  Please let me be.  I am stuck in samsara.  I may never get out.  Trapped by others definitions and by my own constant questioning.  All I can see if that I am going to take the same path, fall into the same trap, into my own depression.  Is it me or is it them?

Moving ahead I try to think that this time it is different.  My mind is muddled knowing that it is quite possible it is not.  Am I naive?  Am I just plain dumb?  Maybe just numb to all those around me.  I’m tired of others, I’m sick of definitions, and I am finished with haters.  Taking the first step to knowing what I want to be is the logical answer; but I feel like my map is out of date or I could just be blind.  What I think I am and who I know myself to be is something I am not quite sure of.  It is all of a bit of a puzzle, yet I have all the pieces and I do know how they all fit together.  I will get there.  When?  Soon.  How?  With a plan.  With who?  With me silly, with me.

I will then rediscover who I am and as quickly as I do; I will forget.  How ironic and how very me.  So aware and unaware at the same time.  A living dichotomy.  It is exciting and problematic at the same time.  Yet, I believe to get who I am.  That I am sour, bitter, an acquired taste to many, but I do have moments of popular normality. I am my own worst enemy more than anything else.  Then there are are times when I see the brilliance within me.  I wish I could be more balanced; if I was I would not be me.  I realize that it is time for me to be me and for those to try to accept it or I will move on like I always do.

“You are dangerous, cause you are honest.  You are dangerous, because you don’t know what you want.  You’re an accident waiting to happen.”

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